Moving On

I'm sure that through reading my posts, you most likely assume that I am not much more than a dramatic, slightly angst-y, sappy, naive, complaining teenage girl who is stuck with her head in the clouds and needs to be brought down to reality. Well, you might be right. I'm ok with that, though. It's who I am and I don't want to change. I don't want to lose sight of the fairytale I've always dreamed of for myself.

Now you're probably wondering where I'm going with this. Well, after my last break up, I was sort of bitter. Well, bitter compared to my past self. I have spent a lot of time alone. I was uncharacteristically uninterested in curling up on the couch and watching a romcom or drinking a cup of tea with a romance novel. I scoffed at other's relationships, acting very differently from my previous disposition towards other people in love.

Recently, like it always does, time has fully healed me. I am back to my love song singing, fairytale reading, romantic drama watching self. I don't pray for rain so that the sky looks as dark as I feel, but instead, I relish the sunshine. I love hearing about other's romantic ventures again. I even find myself excited by them. I'm no longer jealous of what others have in a partner because I have found true happiness in singularity.

This is not to say that I am completely finished dating and strive to stay single, but I'm no longer searching for someone to fill that hole in my heart. It is filled. If I find myself in a relationship, that is fantastic. If I don't, then I know I'll have the time of my life still.

I knew for sure that I was no longer heart broken when I ran into my ex today. I felt nothing. I did not have a longing to get back together with him. I did not miss him. I did not hate him. I was indifferent. I felt nothing. I still don't want to be friends with him, but I also don't hold out a death with in his name, either. Granted, we didn't even speak, but I didn't feel the same pang somewhere lost between my heart and my stomach that I usually felt at the sight of him. We'll see how It goes when I have to see him every day at school in more than passing, but I am hopeful.

So, I am currently off the market. Teenage boys are stupid (mostly (; ) and I want so much out of a relationship that I have yet to hear of, much less meet, a guy who can truly make me a happy by being anything more than a friend to me. Besides, isn't dating really about searching for who you want to marry? I doubt I will be meeting him in high school. But as I have previously mentioned, if a kind young sir strikes my fancy, I am not opposed to dinner and a movie. I'm no longer afraid of being broken again and you never know where even one date might lead.

Sex-Crazed Maniacs (Written Wednesday, Aug. 1, 2012)

I know I haven’t posted in a while, but over the past two or three days staying here at the beach with my friends, I’ve had a lot on my mind. Seeing as I am one of four girls in a group totaling fifteen, I’ve spent a lot of time being “one of the guys”, which is literally how I spend seventy-eight percent of my time anyways, so this isn’t unusual in the least or even ever uncomfortable. These guys are my brothers and some of my best friends. I know them so well. Too well, sometimes.

The problem, though, lies in the fact that we are so close. I hate to admit that sometimes I wish we weren’t all so close, but when you’re a girl that is always just thought of as just another dude to hang out with, the conversation turns, eventually, in to the conversation that guys have with other guys, without even a thought. I thank my lucky stars all the time that these guys (especially Chris and Jacob) feel like they can be utterly open and honest with me because, ultimately, it allows me to feel the same way toward them. I know that they’re always there for me and if it came down to it, they would do anything for me. I would do the same for them. Sometimes I wish we, they, kept to themselves some of their more “personal” thoughts, though. I guess what I’m saying is that I know they will think and talk about these things regardless, but I wish they could be gentlemanly enough to keep that sort of thing exclusive to their guy time.

It thoroughly disturbs me when these guys I love so dearly completely objectify women, but even more so with me standing directly beside them. It always starts out like a joke. Then they start rating women. Make comments like, “I wouldn’t even hit that, drunk, with a fifty foot pole.” Then the cat calls. It’s embarrassing and they play it off when I say something. I get so tired of this boys will be boys business. I don’t care if literally sex is the only on their mind 24/7, which they claim as some sort of defense. You’d think they would have been raised to know better. I always think that the fact that they have close female friends, and some of them sisters, would make them think differently about the way they act around women, but it doesn’t seem to make any difference. I am only one of they guys, after all.

Then they start talking about girls that they would never date, but they’d hook up with in a heartbeat on a drunken night. I don’t care if these are the sluttiest girls on the face of the earth; I think they deserve more respect than that. Of course, I’m just told to quit being such a feminist when I say that. I’ll admit, I’m a feminist, but what female who believes she deserves rights and equality (which should be any voting female, right?) isn’t, on technicality at least, a feminist. I also don’t think it’s ok to joke about, talk about in a “if I (or she) was drunk enough…” way, or really discuss in any demeaning fashion the subjects of rape and/or sexual assault. Sue me. It makes me furious when they act like it’s funny. But hey, boys will be boys.

What really hit the nail on the head for me was when Jacob and I were discussing the fact that I want to be a virgin until my wedding night. He told me, “Good luck with that. You’ll fold when you get to college and realize guys like that don’t exist. No guy in his right mind is going to wait until marriage to have sex. What if he never gets married?!” I wanted to cry. I didn’t even respond to him. This is a big decision I have made in my life, and part of that for me was coming to the realization that not only do I want to stay a virgin, but I want to marry a virgin. It doesn’t mean that I will judge someone over the loss of their virginity, but in all honesty, it may be a deal breaker on whether I marry him or not. I believe deciding to stay a virgin shows a level of respect you have for yourself, your current boy/girlfriend, and your future husband/wife.

If you’re a Christian, it also is just one way to show your reverence for the sanctity of marriage that God has blessed us with. Staying a virgin doesn’t make you the best Christian in the world, but it is a step toward strengthening your relationship with Christ and with your partner. A romantic relationship should first be built on a solid foundation. If you are attracted to someone primarily because of sex, you’ll have nothing later for the relationship to thrive off of.

Anyway, I sort of freaked out after that conversation. What if Jacob has a point? What if all guys just want sex and they don’t care if a relationship is romantic, intellectual, fun, loving. They just want sex. I hate hearing guys says that they won’t date that girl; they’ll just bang her. That is yet another reason I want to keep my virginity. I don’t ever want to be someone’s booty call.

The guys like to point out that girls, even I (and I don’t deny it), point out an attractive guy, even ogle them. They say it makes me a hypocrite. Maybe it does. I don’t think about guys all the time, though. I’m not constantly talking about wanting them in my pants or even wishing they would date me. No one is perfect, and they’re a liar if they say they don’t at least look. This is also not to say that I don’t ever think about sex, because I do. It’s not the forefront of my thoughts, though.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I am thoroughly worried that guys have lost all sense of gentlemanliness and want a solely physically satisfying relationship. I want more than that. I want someone who can love me for so much more than my body. I’m more than my 34D-sized boobs. I have a personality. I’m funny. I’m vivacious and love so many things about life. I’m smart. I’m strong willed and opinionated. I’m talented and artistic. I’m interested in music, art, theatre, literature. I want a guy that can appreciate those things. I want a guy who has things, other than a penis, for me to appreciate about him and his personality. I’m not opposed to making out, cuddling, other physical but non-sexual aspects of relationships. They’re fun too, and a vital part of a romantic relationship. I want there to more than that, though. I want the romance, the wooing (which doesn’t only have to come from the guy), the shyness, the long nights of just talking and getting to know one another, and the slow build of a relationship done the right way. Plus, if you marry someone, think about how much more special it will be to say that you saved yourself fully for him or her after your marriage. It’s the best gift you could give someone.

After my last break up, I wanted so badly to be in a relationship again. Now, every day, I want a relationship less and less. Honestly, I’m scared. I don’t want to get stuck in a relationship with a shallow, sex-craved guy who doesn’t see anything but my hips and my breasts. I don’t want to get pressured into anything. I want someone who stands just as strongly in his sexual convictions as I do, and I want someone who is respectful of me as a person and as a woman.

I also want my male friends to find respect for women. I pray for God to guide their hearts into a better place. All I really can do is pray at this point, and even that won’t work completely if they have their hearts totally closed off to what God is trying to do in them. I get tired of feeling like I’m hanging out with a bunch of sex-crazed maniacs. I know they can be better, and that’s what I want for them. I just hope that one day they find a woman who will change the way they see themselves and the way they see women. Our whole generation needs a wake up call. We need to learn to respect ourselves and, most importantly, those whom we find ourselves attracted to. Otherwise, we’ll be in more trouble than we can even imagine right now.