I know I haven’t posted in a while, but over the past two or
three days staying here at the beach with my friends, I’ve had a lot on my
mind. Seeing as I am one of four girls in a group totaling fifteen, I’ve spent
a lot of time being “one of the guys”, which is literally how I spend
seventy-eight percent of my time anyways, so this isn’t unusual in the least or
even ever uncomfortable. These guys are my brothers and some of my best
friends. I know them so well. Too well, sometimes.
The problem, though, lies in the fact that we are so close.
I hate to admit that sometimes I wish we weren’t all so close, but when you’re
a girl that is always just thought of as just another dude to hang out with,
the conversation turns, eventually, in to the conversation that guys have with
other guys, without even a thought. I thank my lucky stars all the time that
these guys (especially Chris and Jacob) feel like they can be utterly open and
honest with me because, ultimately, it allows me to feel the same way toward
them. I know that they’re always there for me and if it came down to it, they
would do anything for me. I would do the same for them. Sometimes I wish we,
they, kept to themselves some of their more “personal” thoughts, though. I
guess what I’m saying is that I know they will think and talk about these
things regardless, but I wish they could be gentlemanly enough to keep that
sort of thing exclusive to their guy time.
It thoroughly disturbs me when these guys I love so dearly
completely objectify women, but even more so with me standing directly beside
them. It always starts out like a joke. Then they start rating women. Make
comments like, “I wouldn’t even hit that, drunk, with a fifty foot pole.” Then
the cat calls. It’s embarrassing and they play it off when I say something. I
get so tired of this boys will be boys business. I don’t care if literally sex
is the only on their mind 24/7, which they claim as some sort of defense. You’d
think they would have been raised to know better. I always think that the fact
that they have close female friends, and some of them sisters, would make them
think differently about the way they act around women, but it doesn’t seem to
make any difference. I am only one of
they guys, after all.
Then they start talking about girls that they would never
date, but they’d hook up with in a heartbeat on a drunken night. I don’t care
if these are the sluttiest girls on the face of the earth; I think they deserve
more respect than that. Of course, I’m just told to quit being such a feminist
when I say that. I’ll admit, I’m a feminist, but what female who believes she
deserves rights and equality (which should be any voting female, right?) isn’t,
on technicality at least, a feminist. I also don’t think it’s ok to joke about,
talk about in a “if I (or she) was drunk enough…” way, or really discuss in any
demeaning fashion the subjects of rape and/or sexual assault. Sue me. It makes
me furious when they act like it’s funny. But hey, boys will be boys.
What really hit the nail on the head for me was when Jacob
and I were discussing the fact that I want to be a virgin until my wedding
night. He told me, “Good luck with that. You’ll fold when you get to college
and realize guys like that don’t exist. No guy in his right mind is going to
wait until marriage to have sex. What if he never gets married?!” I wanted to
cry. I didn’t even respond to him. This is a big decision I have made in my
life, and part of that for me was coming to the realization that not only do I
want to stay a virgin, but I want to marry a virgin. It doesn’t mean that I
will judge someone over the loss of their virginity, but in all honesty, it may
be a deal breaker on whether I marry him or not. I believe deciding to stay a
virgin shows a level of respect you have for yourself, your current
boy/girlfriend, and your future husband/wife.
If you’re a Christian, it also is just one way to show your
reverence for the sanctity of marriage that God has blessed us with. Staying a
virgin doesn’t make you the best Christian in the world, but it is a step
toward strengthening your relationship with Christ and with your partner. A
romantic relationship should first be built on a solid foundation. If you are
attracted to someone primarily because of sex, you’ll have nothing later for
the relationship to thrive off of.
Anyway, I sort of freaked out after that conversation. What
if Jacob has a point? What if all guys just want sex and they don’t care if a
relationship is romantic, intellectual, fun, loving. They just want sex. I hate
hearing guys says that they won’t date that
girl; they’ll just bang her. That is yet another reason I want to keep my
virginity. I don’t ever want to be someone’s booty call.
The guys like to point out that girls, even I (and I don’t
deny it), point out an attractive guy, even ogle them. They say it makes me a
hypocrite. Maybe it does. I don’t think about guys all the time, though. I’m
not constantly talking about wanting them in my pants or even wishing they
would date me. No one is perfect, and they’re a liar if they say they don’t at
least look. This is also not to say that I don’t ever think about sex, because
I do. It’s not the forefront of my thoughts, though.
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I am thoroughly
worried that guys have lost all sense of gentlemanliness and want a solely
physically satisfying relationship. I want more than that. I want someone who
can love me for so much more than my body. I’m more than my 34D-sized boobs. I
have a personality. I’m funny. I’m vivacious and love so many things about
life. I’m smart. I’m strong willed and opinionated. I’m talented and artistic.
I’m interested in music, art, theatre, literature. I want a guy that can
appreciate those things. I want a guy who has things, other than a penis, for
me to appreciate about him and his personality. I’m not opposed to making out,
cuddling, other physical but non-sexual aspects of relationships. They’re fun
too, and a vital part of a romantic relationship. I want there to more than
that, though. I want the romance, the wooing (which doesn’t only have to come
from the guy), the shyness, the long nights of just talking and getting to know
one another, and the slow build of a relationship done the right way. Plus, if
you marry someone, think about how much more special it will be to say that you
saved yourself fully for him or her after your marriage. It’s the best gift you
could give someone.
After my last break up, I wanted so badly to be in a
relationship again. Now, every day, I want a relationship less and less.
Honestly, I’m scared. I don’t want to get stuck in a relationship with a
shallow, sex-craved guy who doesn’t see anything but my hips and my breasts. I
don’t want to get pressured into anything. I want someone who stands just as
strongly in his sexual convictions as I do, and I want someone who is
respectful of me as a person and as a woman.
I also want my male friends to find respect for women. I
pray for God to guide their hearts into a better place. All I really can do is
pray at this point, and even that won’t work completely if they have their
hearts totally closed off to what God is trying to do in them. I get tired of
feeling like I’m hanging out with a bunch of sex-crazed maniacs. I know they
can be better, and that’s what I want for them. I just hope that one day they
find a woman who will change the way they see themselves and the way they see
women. Our whole generation needs a wake up call. We need to learn to respect
ourselves and, most importantly, those whom we find ourselves attracted to.
Otherwise, we’ll be in more trouble than we can even imagine right now.
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